


Doctor who - The Return of the Meddling Poof

by Classicsitcom



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25293448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom
Summary: Doctor Who - Return of the Meddling PoofThe Doctor and his companions are caught up in an awkward situation on board a space cruise ship involving ruthless enemies and a familiar old foe. From 1968 and featuring language and attitudes typical of that era. Some sci fi type violence and action best watched from behind the sofa ! Some 1960s guest stars - see cast list. Probably ok for the kiddies but have gone for 'teens and up'.
Comments: 1





	Doctor who - The Return of the Meddling Poof

Doctor Who - The Return of the Meddling Poof  
An exciting adventure with the second Doctor, Jamie and Zoe  
Starring Patrick Troughton, Frazer Hines, Wendy Padbury.  
Guest stars Henry MacGee, John Inman and Melvyn Hayes  
Christopher Strauli and Susannah York as Sid and Tulisa  
Gerald Flood and Pamela Barney as Hector and Berengaria  
Special Guest Star - Peter Butterworth  
From 1968 

Night time and the silvery, gray moon hangs low in the sky over a sprawling mass of buildings. Inside one of those buildings, a team of operatives monitor security screens checking the CCTV images that cover every inch of the complex. A sign on the wall says "Isle of Man High Security Hospital For Homosexuality and Other Psychiatric Disorders"  
One by one screens begin to malfunction in the security room...  
"We've got a camera malfunction in H wing." Says one operative - a young man with mousey brown hair.  
"Must be the same problem in F and G wings, I've got no pictures, just static." Says another operative - a woman with glasses.  
"I'm checking the circuits." Says a supervisor - an older woman with a fondness for gold jewellery as she picks up a 'phone.  
"Will I reboot the CCTV programming ?" Asks the mousey haired man.  
"Has it not been done automatically ?" Asks the supervisor.  
"It's not showing up on here."  
"Reboot should be automatic unless it's an electrical fault, we've still got power in those wings haven't ..." She never finishes the question as the security room is plunged in to darkness.  
"Emergency lighting." Says the supervisor "Where's the emergency lighting ?"  
"Hasn't kicked in for some reason." Says the younger woman with the glasses.  
By now, the whole complex has plunged in to darkness as every source of electric light has switched off. There is confusion amongst everyone in the secure hospital - inmates and staff alike... almost everyone because one group of inmates are reacting to the blackout efficiently and professionally, escaping from their cells, moving along the darkened corridors, ruthlessly killing anyone who sees them. They are armed, these men, armed with small but highly powerful automatic weapons and no-one who stands in their way does so and lives.  
There is outside help - an explosion blasts a hole through the high wall that surrounds the hospital and the armed men along with a handful of other inmates make their way to the hole and climb through it. Outside is a bus which the escapees board quickly. Two men stand on either side of the breach in the wall armed with powerful automatic weapons which, once their comrades are out of the way, they use to indiscriminately spray the area with bullets to discourage pursuit.  
"Die, straights, die !" Squeals one of the gunmen as the windows in the security room shatter under a hail of hot lead and the bodies of a young mousey haired man, a young woman with glasses and an older women with a fondness for gold jewellery are left sprawling on the floor.

The space cruise ship 'Valentina - Queen of Space' was an impressive sight as it powered its way across the void between Earth and the Moon. On board were hundreds of holidaymakers - space tourists on a luxury cruise with scenery - gazed at through the perspex observation deck roof - that was really out of this world.

Amazing as the 'Valentina - Queen Of Space' was, however, somewhere inside her an example of technology far, far in advance of the space cruiser appeared - literally, materialising with a hoarse, wheezing sound. The TARDIS - that amazing time and space travelling ship of Doctor Who. Inside TARDIS, the Doctor - a small man with dark hair, an expressive face and a hobo type of look to his clothing - stood at the central control console watched by his two companions - Jamie MacCrimmon a young Scot from the time of the Highland Clearances in the 18th century - and Zoe Heriot, a very pretty young woman dressed in a trim little skirt and jacket outfit.  
"We've landed," says the Doctor checking the control console "But we're still moving through space. We must be on board a moving ship - a spaceship judging by the speed." At a flick of a switch the TARDIS doors swung open...  
"On a spaceship, Doctor ?" Queried Jamie "Looks more like a forest to me."  
Jamie was quite right. The TARDIS had indeed landed in amongst trees, shrubs and other greenery.  
"Jamie's quite right Doctor." Said Zoe.  
"I think we're back in the glens of the Highlands." Said Jamie with a note of nostalgia in his voice.  
"We are nothing of the sort." Said the Doctor "At least, I don't think we are.. let's go this way." He said pointing to his left then walking away to his right. Jamie and Zoe followed.  
Sure enough, the glens of the Highlands it was not - the TARDIS had landed in a mass of shrubbery which was surrounded by tables and chairs filled with people lounging, walking, drinking and talking. There was a swimming pool with a water slide and over it all, completely covering the area was a vast transparent perspex dome through which the planet Earth was clearly visible to one side and the moon to the other.  
"It's a space cruise ship." Said Zoe "I went on one once on a school trip."  
"A space cruise ship ?" Asked Jamie.  
"Like I said, we're on a space ship, Jamie," said the Doctor "A huge space ship, enormous, people travel on it for recreation."  
"Recreation ?" Asked Jamie.  
"For fun." Said Zoe.  
"That's the Earth over there." Said Jamie rather proudly "I recognise it from the time we were on the moon."  
"Quite right Jamie," said the Doctor "And there is the moon as well."  
"Jings !" Said Jamie "Would you look at that. Crivvens !"  
"I think we're due a nice holiday Doctor." Said Zoe "After all that work we did for those 'Dominators' - can we stay for a while ?"  
"I don't see why not." Said the Doctor bringing a pair of sunglasses from his bottomless pockets and putting them on.  
"It'll be a great holiday, won't it Jamie ?" Said Zoe.  
"Oh aye," said Jamie "A great holiday, aye."  
"The holiday of a lifetime pet, that's what it is." Said a voice exhibiting the characteristics of an accent known on Earth as Geordie and emanating from a casually dressed middle aged man "My name's Sid, Sydney on a Sunday, this is my wife Tulisa..."  
"Hello pet." Said Tulisa overflowing from a bikini and swigging from a bottle of beer as her husband was also doing "Where are you from then, we're from Newcastle."  
"Howay Tulisa !" Said Sid "This lad's from Scotland, am I right ?"  
"Aye, that's right." Said Jamie "How did you ken that ?"  
"I think the kilt gave it away, Jamie." Said the Doctor in a whisper.  
"It certainly did and no mistake," said Sid "You Scots and us Geordies are practically the same aren't we ?"  
"Where are your pals from ?" Asked Tulisa "Down south ? London I'll bet, somewhere swanky eh bonny lad ?"  
"That's right." Said the Doctor "We're from London."  
"The swanky bit." Said Zoe.  
"You haven't got drinks !" Said Sid "You'll join us for a brown ale ? Have you got your cards ?"  
"Cards ?" Said the Doctor.  
"Your hospitality cards." Said Sid "To pay for drinks."  
"I told you we should have brought the cards." Said Zoe cunningly to the Doctor "We left ours in the cabin. Did you bring yours ... em ... Jamie, is it ?"  
"I left mine in the cabin as well." Said Jamie who could be cunning as well when necessary.  
"We'll need to go back to the cabins for the cards, maybe we'll see you again later." Said the Doctor.  
"I hope so," said Tulisa then added conspiratorially "You're not stowaways are you ?"  
"Don't be daft Tulisa, they've just forgotten their cards ... stowaways !" Said Sid dismissively.  
"Well, I heard about a stowaway on a space cruise last year," insisted Tulisa "This fella, he sent a fridge freezer by first class post to someone on the moon, special space post and everything and then... where was I ? " She took another swig of beer "On board the ship, half way to the moon, well, one day out in fact, the crew found someone hiding inside the fridge freezer - stowed away in it and planned to get out and enjoy the cruise but they'd parceled it up too well and he couldn't get out - had to shout for help !" She laughed drunkenly and Sid joined in.  
"That's very funny." Said the Doctor smiling "Very funny indeed."  
"Serves him jolly well right." Said Zoe.  
"What's a fridge feeser ?" Asked Jamie in innocence.  
"What's a fridge freezer ?" Tulisa screamed with laughter "Oh I like you, you're a laugh."  
"Tell you what," said the Doctor "You find a nice seat near the pool, we'll get our cards and we'll join you for a beer or ten, how would that be ?"  
"You're on pet, yes indeed." Said Sid and he and his wife staggered away.  
The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe walked across the open plan recreation area, in one area a large television screen was broadcasting the news from Earth though at that moment it was only the weather forecast for the UK.  
As the three adventurers in space and time watched the television a young couple approached them and the young man spoke to Zoe -  
"Any news about Gay Guevara ?" He asked, pointing to the screen.  
"About what ?" Asked Zoe.  
"Gay Guevara." Said the man "They were reporting earlier that the police had him surrounded somewhere in Wales. I just wondered if he might have surrendered yet."  
"Who is Gay Guevara ?" Asked the Doctor.  
The man and his companion looked quite incredulous -  
"The biggest story in the news for the last couple of weeks." Said the man.  
"Gay Guevara - the 'Killer Queer' - the leader of the Army of Gay Liberation." Said his female companion.  
"Oh yes, of course," said the Doctor "Now I remember, he was... what was he doing again ?"  
"He escaped from the 'poof prison' on the Isle of Man along with a few others. Threatening a campaign of terror to let people be gay again."  
"Yes, that's right," said Zoe "The three of us have been in America until recently, we hadn't heard much about it."  
"Oh I see," said the young man "Well, Gay Guevara - that's not his real name, of course. I think it's Bert something or other - anyway, him and some of his colleagues were locked up in the prison, well I say prison..."  
"It's actually a secure hospital." Said the young woman.  
"That's right, a secure hospital, a looney bin - anyway, there was about a dozen of these ultra gay extremists locked up there - somehow they couldn't be treated or cured like all the rest for some reason and had to be locked up - well, they escaped from the place - killed half the guards and staff and all that - and they've been demanding that the world make gayness legal again."  
"Yes," said Zoe "I remember now, they made being gay legal back in the 1960s and then they had to re-criminalise it in 2020 or something."  
"2025 I think it was." Said the young man.  
"2025." Repeated the woman, nodding "The gays tried to take everything over so they made them illegal again - thank goodness."  
"Plus the fact they found a cure for gayness, you know, brain surgery."  
"Yes, that's right." Said Zoe "I remember reading about that ... in a newspaper I mean." She added hurriedly because, in fact, she had read about in a history book as she came from a good many years into the future.  
"What does 'gay' mean ?" Asked Jamie.  
The young man and woman looked at him in disbelief.  
"Oh, come on Jamie," said the Doctor "They must have had them where you come from. Did you never see any Highlanders who preferred the laddies to the lassies ? Swirled the kilt a bit too much ? Overdid the woad ?"  
"You mean kilt lifters ?" Asked Jamie.  
"Yes," said the Doctor "Kilt lifters."  
"Aye, we had them," said Jamie "But we used to hang them."  
"Sounds like a good idea." Said the young man "But just a minute..." He pointed at the screen. Much to the disappointment of the young couple, the ruthless leader of the Army of Gay Liberation, the notorious Gay Guevara had not been captured. In fact, the police had searched the house and found no trace of the fugitives.  
"Ah well," said the young man obviously disappointed "They'll get him sooner or later."  
"Are you three together ?" Asked the young woman eyeing up Jamie.  
"Not in the sense that I think you mean." Said Zoe.  
"So you two..." The young man pointed at Zoe and Jamie "Not travelling together ?"  
"We're together," said the Doctor "but only as friends."  
"My name's Hector," said the man shaking hands with Zoe "and this is my sister Berengaria."  
Berengaria stepped forward, tossed her hair playfully out of her face and shook Jamie's hand "Maybe you and I can get to know each other a bit better." She said.  
Jamie was paralysed with a combination of surprise, fear and temptation as he gazed in to Berengaria's big blue eyes.  
"My name is Zoe, this is Jamie - Jamie MacCrimmon - and this is The Doctor."  
"Pleased to meet you all." Said Hector "Would you like to join us for a swim ?"  
"Maybe later." Said the Doctor speaking on behalf of Zoe who was obviously smitten by Hector and Jamie who was utterly spellbound by his attractive admirer.  
"Bye bye for now," purred Berengaria flicking Jamie's chin with her finger.  
"I think this is going to be a nice holiday." Said Zoe in a dreamy tone of voice as Hector and Berengaria strolled away.  
"She's a beautiful lassie," said Jamie "for a Sassenach anyway."  
"Can we go back to the TARDIS for some swimming costumes ?" Asked Zoe.  
"That's nice," said the Doctor in a mockingly hurt tone "Are you two going to disappear and leave me all on my lonesome ?"  
"Maybe Hector and Berengaria have got their mother with them." Suggested Jamie with mocking irony.  
"Maybe." Said the Doctor.

A few yards away a group of three men were standing together and speaking in hushed tones. Casually but conventionally dressed and all wearing sunglasses against the bright artificial sunlight of the space cruise ships recreation area.  
"Looks like Gay Guevara wasn't in that farmhouse after all." Said one of the men.  
"You do surprise me." Sneered one of the others.  
"Even the great 'Killer Queer' couldn't be in two places at once." Said the third man who undoubtedly was the fugitive leader of the Army of Gay Liberation - Gay Guevara himself.  
"Everything ready ?" The three men checked the lazer blasters that they had concealed under their shirts and nodded.  
Gay Guevara turned and made eye contact with another group of men standing nearby, then again with another group.  
"Let's go."  
Six of the men set off towards an area marked 'crew only' and a few minutes later - having lasered a crew member or two - they reached the bridge of the space cruise ship. It was the work of mere moments to rush the room and sieze the crew including the captain.  
Gay Guevara pressed his laser blaster in the captain's face - "We are taking over this ship - you will obey my commands without question or hesitation."  
The captain's face betrayed not one iota of emotion or fear - much to Gay Guevara's disappointment - "I have no choice but to accept your terms." Said the captain keeping her voice steady and her gaze steadier still.  
"You will take us to the moon." Ordered Guevara.  
Now, the captain's face did betray some emotion - "We're already going to the moon." She said.  
"Don't get smart with me." Snarled Guevara "We are now going to the moon under my command. Do you know who I am ?"  
"No I don't." Said the captain.  
"I am Gay Guevara - leader of the Army of Gay Liberation."  
There was silence ...  
"Get over there." Snarled the other gay extremists as they pushed the crew to one side of the bridge.  
Guevara moved to the control panel and flicked a switch "Attention Space Cruise Ship 'Valentina, Queen of Space' - this ship has been taken over by the Army of Gay Liberation. This is the voice of Gay Guevara. The entire crew is being held hostage - any attempt to rescue them will result in the deaths of the crew, any attempt to resist us will result in the deaths of everyone. Any attempt by anyone to escape or resist us will be punished instantly by death. All passengers and crew will return to their cabins immediately. No-one will approach the bridge area unless ordered to do so by me. Anyone found not in their cabin in five minutes will die where they stand. Now MOVE !" The last words came out almost as a screech.  
"Now men." said Guevara to his followers and so saying he removed his shirt and trousers to reveal black pvc shorts and braces over a greasy oiled and tattooed torso. The rest of the gay terrorists did the same - causing the ships crews to avert their eyes.  
"From this point on," announced Guevara "We will live, fight and if necessary die as proudly gay men !"  
Guevara's depraved followers let out a high pitched, affected and mincing cheer.  
"You," said Guevara to the captain "Get out of my sight. You're an ugly bitch !"  
The captain walked away from Guevara and joined the rest of her crew.  
Gay Guevara minced over to the crew and addressed them - "Are any of you men prepared to convert to gayness and join the Army of Gay Liberation ?" He asked.  
The male crew all shook their heads.  
"No, I thought not." Said Gay Guevara "Kill them all !"  
The bridge area resounded to the sound of laser fire and the death screams of a dozen brave men and women.  
"So die all straights !" Announced Gay Guevara "Now, I want a complete communications blackout on the ship - no mobile 'phones, no Intelliweb, no radio, nothing - block everything."  
"It will be done, Your Gayness." Said one of Guevara's depraved minions.

Unsurprisingly, the announcement from the Army of Gay Liberation caused outrage and panic the length and breadth of the space cruise ship which the crew tried to deal with as best they could.  
"That Gay Guevara said we should all go to our cabins." Said Jamie.  
"We don't have any cabins though, do we ?" Said Zoe.  
"Yes, that is a bit of a problem" said the Doctor "Goodness me, great galloping gobstoppers, come this way."  
Merging with the crowd of holidaymakers, the Doctor and his companions made their way back in to the foliage where the TARDIS had materialised.  
"Are we going back to the TARDIS doctor ?" Asked Jamie "Are we just leaving all these people ?"  
"Of course not, Jamie, no." Said the Doctor "We just need to plan our next move, that's all."  
"This is Gay Guevara of the Army of Gay Liberation calling Commander Butterworth, come in please."  
"This is Commander Butterworth" said a voice on the bridge radio "Mission update ?"  
"Completely successful, Commander" said Gay Guevara "We have taken control of the entire ship and are on our way to the moon."  
"Excellent" said Commander Butterworth's voice "Have you prepared the 'Mind Bender' ?"  
Gay Guevara looked uncomfortable for a moment but composed himself "The 'Mind Bender' has been tested and is standing by."  
"Superb work, Guevara, keep it up Your Gayness."  
"Thank you, Your Majestic Homo-ness." Said Guevara crawlingly and switched off the radio -  
"We shouldn't have killed all of the crew" he said "We need to test the 'Mind Bender' - Daley !"  
"Your Gayness ?" Said Daley stepping forward.  
"We need to test the 'Mind Bender'' before we attack - get a couple of male straights up here."  
Daley took a couple of the other gay terrorists with him and left the bridge.  
"Get rid of these dead straights !" Shouted Guevara pointing to the bodies of the crew.  
"Your Gayness ?" Said a voice "There are some people hiding on the recreation deck."  
Guevara came over to the CCTV screen and looked at the image - sure enough, The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe were visible in among the foliage.  
"Look at them skulking in the bushes - just like back in the good old days on Hampstead Heath." Said Guevara with an edge of emotional nostalgia in his voice. "Good work, Carr." Guevara snatched up a walkie talkie - "Daley, can you hear me ?"  
Daley's voice crackled through - "Yes, Your Gayness, loud and clear."  
"There are two men in the bushes in the middle of the recreation area, are you near there ?"  
"Yes, just approaching it now." Responded Daley.  
"Get those two men and bring them up here." Ordered Guevara.

On the recreation deck, Daley and his two companions barged in to the foliage and quickly found The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe.  
"You two come with us." Ordered Daley.  
"Oh hello," said the Doctor "We're just heading back to our cabins actually, orders are orders."  
"That's right." Said Jamie "We don't want to get in to any trouble. It's this way I think."  
"You will come with me !" Snarled Daley, his voice becoming shrill.  
"Why are you wearing those funny clothes ?" Asked Jamie.  
"I might ask you the same thing," answered Daley "That's called a kilt isn't it ?"  
"Never you mind what it's called." Snapped Jamie.  
"Now, will you come with us or will I kill your companion ?"  
"Companion ?" Said the Doctor "This young lady ? She's not even with us, she was heading back to her cabin as well but got lost in all the excitement. You run along dear."  
Zoe took the hint - "Ok," she said "Thanks for helping anyway."  
"This way." Ordered Daley pushing the Doctor and Jamie ahead of him.

In a few minutes, the Doctor and Jamie were on the bridge and Gay Guevara minced across the room towards them.  
"I am Gay Guevara." He announced.  
"The 'Killer Queer' ?" Asked Jamie.  
"My reputation has preceded me." Sneered Guevara "Now I need your help for a moment."  
"We'll no' help you." Said Jamie "Where I come from, we hang people like you."  
"Just a minute Jamie." Said the Doctor.  
"Oh, Jamie, thats your name is it ? That's saved a bit of interrogation." Said Guevara slyly "And what is your name ?"  
"My friends call me 'The Doctor'."  
"Well," said Guevara "I don't think we're going to be friends so what is your name."  
"Doctor John Smith."  
"A made up name if ever I heard one," said Guevara "But no matter. Now then, Doctor John Smith, your friend here believes in the death penalty for those of us who choose the gay path in life, do you agree with him ?"  
"Well, each to their own, I suppose." Said the Doctor.  
"A very liberal view, Doctor Smith." Said Guevara.  
"Within reason I mean, obviously."  
"Within reason ?"  
"Well, it's not everyone's cup of tea is it. Most people find it rather, well, abnormal. You have to live and let live, you can't force your views, your gayness, on other people. Normal people won't just stand back and let you take over will they ?"  
"Standing back and letting me take over is exactly what I expect 'normal' people to do. In fact, that is exactly what they are going to do. Doctor, you have a typically straight attitude, you are full of homophobic rubbish."  
"Homophobic ? " questioned the Doctor "What does that mean? Homo ... phobic ... That's a fear of something that is the same as you, unless my Greek is at fault, the word doesn't even make sense."  
"I am not here to argue semantics with straights !" Snapped Guevara "Daley, the 'Mind Bender' !"  
Guevara's depraved minion, Daley flicked a switch on the 'Mind Bender' apparatus which emitted a low humming sound.  
"Doctor, what are they doing !" Asked Jamie.  
"I've no idea, Jamie." Said the Doctor "I feel funny." He put his hands to his head.  
"Doctor, are you all right ?" Said Jamie who seemed unaffected by the dull, insistent sound. Guevara, Daley and the other gay terrorists watched with keen interest.  
"Ah !" Said the Doctor grinning broadly "Yes, now I see. Yes, Mr Guevara, you're quite right. Being gay is the only true path, let me join your gay army, let me join the Army of Gay Liberation, we can crush the straights forever."  
"Very good Doctor," said Guevara "A very kind offer."  
"Yes indeed," said the Doctor "What about you Jamie, come on, you'll join us and fight the straights won't you ?"  
"I'll do no such thing, Doctor, jings, Ill never do that."  
"Oh Jamie," said the Doctor "Give us a kiss."  
"Doctor, get off, they're controlling your mind somehow."  
Jamie pushed the Doctor away in disgust causing him to stumble over and fall on the floor.  
"Stay where you are." Snarled Guevara covering Jamie with his laser blaster "Daley, switch off the 'Mind Bender'."  
Daley obeyed and rushed over to the Doctor who was lying on the floor. He put his ear to the Doctor's chest on one side, then the other. A look of surprise crossed his face. Then he took hold of the Doctor's wrist - "His pulse is unusual," he said "I think he's going to die."  
Jamie clenched his fists in rage but couldn't move as Guevara's laser blaster was still pointed at him.  
"He can die if he wants " said Guevara "He is if no further use to us - so die all straights."  
"So die all straights." Echoed his evil henchpoofs.  
The Doctor sat up suddenly "What happened ?" He asked "How did I get down here ?"  
"I pushed you, Doctor, I'm sorry." Admitted Jamie.  
"Why on Earth did you do that ?" Said the Doctor getting up to his feet.  
"You turned in to one of them !" Insisted the young Highlander "You were all, you know..." He held his arm out in front of him with an exaggeratedly limp wrist "You turned in to a kilt lifter !"  
"I did no such thing !" Said the Doctor in a tone of embarrassment, disgust and disbelief.  
"You did so, Doctor, jings, you did honestly."  
"I didn't did I ? Asked the doctor looking at Jamie, Guevara, Daley and the other members of the Army of Gay Liberation around the bridge.  
"The boy has an over active imagination." Said Gay Guevara "Get them out of my sight."  
"Move it !" Snarled one of the gay terrorists "Go on, get out !" The Doctor and Jamie were hustled out of the room "Go to your cabins and stay there !"  
"The 'Mind Bender' worked on the Doctor but not on the other one, I wonder why ?" Said Guevara to Daley.  
"It's strange," said Daley "that Doctor is some kind of medical freak - he had two heartbeats. I heard them quite clearly, one heartbeat on either side and his pulse ... well, I thought he was going to die."  
"He's a straight !" Snarled Guevara "Who cares if he dies."  
"Mr Guevara, Your Gayness ?" Asked Carr, the gay terrorist who had been assisting with the 'Mind Bender'.  
"Yes ?"  
"Could I have the young Scotsman ?"  
"You can have him as a plaything," answered Guevara mercilessly "After the mission is completed. Until then I want full concentration."  
"Yes Your Gayness," said Carr fawning "Thank you so much."

As the Doctor and Jamie headed along the corridor back to the recreation area the Doctor continued insisting that he had not been affected by the 'Mind Bender' and Jamie continued to insist that he had.  
Finally accepting the truth, the Doctor realised that there must be some reason why Jamie had been unaffected.  
"Possibly your mind is too primitive - I don't mean that in a nasty way, of course,"  
"Thanks very much Doctor." Said Jamie.  
"But the thing they had back there must be designed to work on highly intelligent brains like mine."  
"Thanks again Doctor." Sighed Jamie.  
"You two get to your cabins !" Shouted a pvc wearing member of the Army of Gay Liberation at the end of the corridor waving a laser blaster.  
"We're going !" Said Jamie.  
"Don't be cheeky to me, straight !" Sneered the gay terrorist.  
"As a matter of fact, we were on the bridge - we were called for by your leader, the 'Killer Queer'." Said the Doctor trying to calm the situation as Jamie's natural hostility to homosexuals began to boil over.

In a nearby cabin, Zoe and her new friends Hector and Berengaria heard the voices in the corridor.  
"What's going on out there ?" Said Hector looking through the cabin door peephole "Oh, it's your two friends."  
"Really ?" Said Zoe , let me see." She looked through the peephole.

The gay terrorist had not been impressed by the mention of his leader the notorious Gay Guevara and was telling the Doctor and Jamie that they must get to their cabins "I have orders to kill any straights that disobey." He said "And I'll do it !"  
"We havenae got a cabin anyway," said Jamie "We stowed away in a fridge feeser !"  
"Oh Jamie," said the Doctor laughing, "You and your sense of humour. We have got a cabin, we'll go there right now."  
"You'd better," said the gay terrorist in a cruel tone of voice "I've killed plenty of straights before, I'll kill you two as soon as look at you."  
A nearby cabin door opened and the gay terrorist turned quickly pointing his laser blaster.  
"It's all right," said Zoe "Please don't shoot, this is their cabin, Doctor, Jamie, come on, where have you been ?"  
The Doctor and Jamie entered the cabin which although spacious enough for two was on the verge of becoming crowded occupied, as it now was, by five.  
"Hello again." Purred Berengaria placing a hand on Jamie's chest "I hope they didn't hurt you."  
"Hello." Said Jamie feeling a little more confident about his attractive admirer "By the way, is your mother on board ? The Doctor was hoping..."  
"Never mind that !" Snapped the Doctor.  
"Yes, never mind that !" Said Zoe moving between Jamie and Berengaria, a tinge of jealousy coursing through her.  
""How about your grandmother, then ? Is she here ?" Said Jamie mischievously over Zoe's shoulder.  
"Right," said the Doctor, taking charge as was his habit "The ship has been taken over, do we know where we are going ?"  
"Presumably to the moon," said Hector "The ship hasn't changed course."  
"If we've maintained course and speed," said Berengaria "We should reach lunar orbit in a few hours."  
"So what can these deviants do once they reach the moon ?" Asked the Doctor.  
"They can't land." Said Berengaria.  
"Can't land ?" Said Jamie "Then why are we going there ?"  
"Is the ship too big to land on the moon ?" Asked the Doctor "Yes, I suppose it must be."  
"There are shuttle craft on board that can carry people to the moon's surface and back again." Said Berengaria.  
"Yes," said Hector "And space lifeboats of course but they're for emergencies, obviously."  
"Well," said Zoe, "If we presume that Gay Guevara and his men ... his people, are going to use the shuttles to land on the moon, what then ? I've just remembered, there are moon colonies aren't there ?"  
The statement seemed so obvious to Hector and Berengaria that they didn't even bother to reply.  
"They might take over the moon colonies and try to establish a sort of homo homeland on the moon." Said the Doctor.  
"Sounds rather ambitious." Said Berengaria.  
"They seem very ambitious to me." Said the Doctor "They have some kind of device that can turn a normal person in to a poof like them."  
"What ?" Said Hector in understandable horror.  
"It doesnae work on everybody." Said Jamie with a smirk.  
"The effect is only temporary." Said the Doctor.  
"Well, they might take over the colony," said Berengaria "But what about the moon settlers, there's thousands of them up here."  
"They'll kill them I suppose," said the Doctor "unless they are of some use to them. I presume they've killed the crew on the bridge. The lives of normal people - straight people - seem to be of little value to them."  
"If they took over the colony, the Earth would send up cruise missiles or the army or something to destroy them," said Hector "They'll keep the colonists alive as hostages or human shields."  
"Yes, that's very possible," said the Doctor "In the meantime, I think it would be a good idea if they never reach the moon at all. Agreed ?"  
Everyone nodded in agreement.

On the bridge of the space cruise ship, Gay Guevara - evil leader of the Army of Gay Liberation - reported back to his superior, the mysterious Commander Butterworth.  
"We are now less than one hour from lunar orbit your Majestic Homo-ness."  
"Excellent," replied Butterworth "All systems ready to go, the virus is prepared ?"  
"Prepared and installed, your homo-ness."  
"Only the moonbase crew to be dealt with and the 'Mind Bender' will take care of them."  
"Absolutely," said Guevara "By the way, sir, a funny thing happened during the testing of the 'Mind Bender'..."  
"It worked didn't it ?" Snarled Commander Butterworth  
"Oh yes, your homo-ness, it worked perfectly." Lied Guevara as his minion, Daley looked on "However, it's quite amusing, one of the people we tested it on was a bit of a medical freak - he had two hearts."  
"Two hearts ! ! !" Commander Butterworth's voice blared around the bridge "Did you say two hearts !"  
"Well, yes, but..." Started Guevara taken aback by his master's reaction.  
"Two hearts ! Describe this man immediately."  
"Well, not really my type to be honest, the young chap with him was much cuter."  
"Describe him !"  
"The young cute chap ?"  
"No you blithering idiot - the one with two hearts. Describe him immediately."  
"Well, quite a small man, wrong side of forty and he looked it, probably never used moisturiser in his life, dark tousled hair that could have done with a trim. Sort of lived in face, some might say 'craggy' but rather ugly if truth be told. Nasty eyes, cruel eyes really, a dark jacket that didn't do him any favours at all and a pair of checked trousers that, frankly, needed a good wash."  
"A small man, craggy face, dark hair eh ? Not what I expected but none the less... is this man with you just now ?"  
"No, your homo-ness."  
"Find him, get him, tie him up, handcuff him, lock him somewhere, don't let him out of your sight. Bring him down to the moon with you. I want that man." A click indicated that the broadcast had ceased.  
"Well," said Gay Guevara his hand on his hip "There's no accounting for taste !"

The silvery, gray moon hung in the blackness and loomed over the space cruise ship "Valentina - Queen of Space" as it entered lunar orbit. On board the great cruise ship, hundreds of passengers hid in their cabins, prisoners of the evil and depraved terrorists who had taken over the ship. Gay Guevara and his ruthless Army of Gay Liberation had siezed control, wiped out the crew and now held the bridge from where they steered the mighty space liner to their destination. That destination was Moonbase Luna 4.

Moonbase Supervisor Guy Manley hailed the space cruise ship personally -  
"Space cruise ship Valentina, you are now in lunar orbit, welcome to the moon."  
"Thank you Moonbase," replied a voice which, unknown to the moonbase crew was that of Gay Guevara "We have a special message for the moonbase supervisor."  
"Supervisor speaking." Said Manley.  
"This space cruise ship has been taken over by the Army of Gay Liberation - you will stand by for further orders - orders which will be obeyed without hesitation."  
"The Army of Gay Liberation !" Manley exploded with rage "Put the captain of the ship on the net now."  
There were three other people in the moonbase control room - two men called Peter and Simon and a woman called Sarah. All three of them reacted in shock at the suggestion that the Army of Gay Liberation had somehow stretched the depraved fingers of homosexuality all the way from the earth to the moon. Sarah hugged Peter for reassurance horrified as all people were in the year 2040 at the prospect of homosexuality somehow regaining the power that it had wielded in the world around 2020.  
"The captain is indisposed." Said Guevara over the radio "Listen carefully and take careful notice of my instructions."  
"We're listening." Said Manley preparing to type the instructions in to his computer notepad.  
On board the space cruise ship, Guevara nodded to Carr who flicked the switch on the 'Mind Bender' - he set the devices output to 'transmit' and gave the thumbs up to Guevara.  
The faint hum became audible in the moonbase control room for a few seconds ... "The Army of Gay Liberation are here - hooray !" Shouted Supervisor Manley "You are welcome !" He continued over the radio.  
"Long live gayness !" Shouted Simon.  
Peter pushed Sarah away from him "Get away from me you slag !" He snapped.  
"We are ready to obey your every instruction." said Manley  
"Prepare to receive a shuttle within the next 15 minutes." Ordered Gay Guevara.

Meanwhile, Daley had returned to the recreation area and to the corridor of cabins leading off it.  
He used a master key to open the door to the cabin containing the Doctor and numerous others.  
"Yes ?" Said Zoe looking round.  
"I want the man." Ordered Daley.  
"I'm sure you do, duckie." Said Zoe mockingly.  
"The small scruffy one, Doctor John Smith - hand him over."  
"What if we won't ?" Asked Jamie appearing in the doorway  
"I'll laser you all until you do." Answered Daley.  
"That's quite true, he will." Said the Doctor quietly "I'll come with you, just don't hurt my friends."  
As the Doctor stepped in to the corridor, he winked ever so slightly back at Zoe and Jamie.  
Daley waved his master key and the cabin door slid shut again - as it did so, the Doctor said "Are we going this way ?" - deliberately distracting Daley's attention so he didn't notice when Jamie very quickly threw a towel between the door and the jamb preventing it from closing properly.  
"It's this way !" Snarled Daley pushing the Doctor ahead of him.  
Jamie stepped out of the room and followed the Doctor and Daley while Zoe, Hector and Berengaria dashed off in the other direction.

The Doctor was pushed on to the space cruise ship bridge where there was frantic activity as the evil Army of Gay Liberation put the finishing touches to their vile plans.  
"The auto pilot course is set Your Gayness." Reported Carr.  
"Good."  
"Booby trap set up." Said another minion.  
"The virus is ready." Said another minion lifting a bottle gingerly from a padded briefcase and placing it on a specially constructed stand in the middle of the bridge.  
"What's that ?" Asked the Doctor.  
"Never you mind." Snarled Guevara as he slipped handcuffs on to the Doctor's wrists "You're coming with us to see our leader."  
"Oh yes please," said the Doctor "Take me to your leader ! It sounds so clichéd doesn't it ?"  
"Silence !" Ordered Guevara.  
"Who is your leader ?" Whispered the Doctor to Daley.  
"Commander Butterworth." Said Daley "Leader of the Army of Gay Liberation."  
"Butterworth ?" Said the Doctor "That name seems familiar."  
"I said 'silence' didn't I ?" Screeched Guevara.

Outside the bridge, Jamie had found himself a weapon - a champagne bottle that a passenger had probably dropped as they fled to their cabins on the orders of Gay Guevara. Jamie slapped the bottle in to the palm of his left hand a couple of times. When that Daley queer came out of the bridge with the Doctor ... well, he wouldn't know what hit him. Jamie was going to enjoy this.  
"Come on, you kilt lifter." He whispered "Come on out."

"Everyone ready ?" Asked Gay Guevara of his twisted followers and they all nodded and answered "Yes, Your Gayness."  
"Guevara pointed at each of them, laser blasters, portable 'Mind Bender', the Doctor, don't forget him, right let's make for the shuttle."  
The doors to the bridge slid open and Jamie raised his champagne bottle above his head - to Jamie's surprise two gay terrorists came out together, followed by another two, then another one with the mobile 'Mind Bender' equipment stowed in a backpack, then Daley, the Doctor, Gay Guevara himself, another two minions, Carr ( though Jamie did not know his name ) and then another three who fiddled about with the doors for a few moments. This was clearly not a time for the famous MacCrimmon war cry and Jamie pressed himself back against the wall hoping he would not be spotted.

Zoe, Hector and Berengaria had made it as far as the recreation deck and were studying a floor plan of the cruise ship "Now I'll stay here on the ship and you, Berengaria and Zoe will take one of the lifeboats and fly out of the cruise ship. If you think you can handle the controls, try to land and dock at a lunar base, if not, just fly around sending out an SOS - it will be picked up on the moon or on Earth, surely and some action will be taken."  
"The lifeboat deck is this way." Said Berengaria pointing at the plan.  
"Here on this side too." Said Zoe "Why don't we take one each, more chance of success.'  
"Good idea." Said Berengaria "Someone's coming."  
Hector, Zoe and Berengaria retreated in to the bushes and peeked out as Gay Guevara minced by along with a dozen of his depraved army of queer extremists in their pvc shorts and braces uniforms and with the Doctor handcuffed in amongst them. They continued to watch as Jamie sneaked past carrying his champagne bottle.  
"I wonder where they're going." Said Zoe.  
"I hope Jamie knows what he's doing." Said Berengaria.  
"Our mission stays the same," said Zoe "Let's get to those lifeboat stations."  
"Good luck Berry," said Hector "You too Zoe." Hector's eyes and Zoe's eyes met for a moment and they both smiled shyly, dismissing the chemistry between them.  
"I'll check out the bridge." Said Hector.

Gay Guevara, his depraved companions and the Doctor reached the area of the space cruise ship where the shuttles were stored.  
"This one !" Called Guevara in his high pitched, annoying voice and he boarded quickly through a door in the side of the ship. The Doctor was pushed on board as well and the rest of the gay terrorists followed. As the last one went in, Jamie ran forward and pressed himself against the side of the shuttle. He waited a few moments, glanced inside and jumped in as well. The interior of the shuttle was rather like a 20th century bus or train carriage - long and narrow with two rows of double seats where the Army of Gay Liberation members were organising themselves. Jamie crouched down and slid under one of the seats towards the rear and only just in time as one of the perverted hoodlums came back up the corridor and pulled the exterior door shut.  
"Ready for take off Your Gayness." He called out and moments later the whole shuttle ship shook for a few seconds then left the space cruise ship through the exterior door of its hangar.

The shuttle flew through the dark silence of space towards the moon.

"Oh I've just remembered." Cried Carr in an indeterminate accent used by no-one in the world except homosexuals "My wee Scottish laddie ! You promised I could have him."  
At the rear of the shuttle, Jamie winced.  
"I'm sorry Carr," said Guevara "I forgot all about him. You wouldn't want the Doctor instead would you ?" The suggestion was greeted with raucous attention seeking laughter as every homosexual terrorist in the shuttle competed to be the loudest and most camply outrageous.  
"I was going to handcuff him to my bed then strangle him with a dog chain - after I'd finished with him anyway." Squealed Carr to more depraved cheers.  
Guevara laughed then put up his hands for silence - "Let's keep focussed on the job in hand, shall we, Carr, are you ready with that auto pilot ?"  
Carr pressed some keys on his laptop and on board the 'Valentina - Queen of Space' the auto pilot activated.

Inside the space cruise ship, Hector felt the floor beneath him tilt slightly and he watched in surprise as the moon seemed to change its position through the observation roof of the recreation area. The ship turned a full 180 degrees and now pointed away from the moon and towards the Earth.

Zoe reached the lifeboat stations on the port side of the space cruise ship but the space lifeboats were nowhere to be seen.  
"They've all been launched," she said to herself "Or all been dumped."

Berengaria made the same discovery on the starboard side and she began making her way back up to the recreation area.

The shuttle connected itself to the moonbase by a universal docking port in its hull and Gay Guevara stood by at the air lock opening control.  
"Is that 'Mind Bender' working !" He demanded.  
"Yes," said Carr "They've operated the docking equipment from their side."  
Guevara pulled the lever that opened the air lock and looked through to the control room of Luna Base 4.  
Supervisor Manley stepped forward and said "Welcome to the moon, Your Gayness, we are at your disposal." Peter and Simon shouted "Long live gayness !" Sarah was nowhere to be seen.  
Guevara nodded towards Carr who switched off the 'Mind Bender'.  
Suddenly Manley, Simon and Peter reverted back to normal and recoiled in horror from the pvc shorts and braces wearing perverts that stood before them.  
"Kill those straights !" Ordered Guevara and the three men were cut down by lethal laser fire.  
Guevara put a walkie talkie to his ear and said "Commander Butterworth, we have control of the moonbase."  
"I'm on my way." Said a voice "Prepare the exterior airlock."  
Guevara snapped his fingers and two of his henchpoofs ran over to the exterior airlock door. A moment later, it opened and a figure in a space suit entered. Slowly and deliberately the figure removed it's space helmet.  
"Commander Butterworth, Your Majestic Homo-ness." Said Gay Guevara kneeling - the rest of the Army of Gay Liberation followed his example.  
The Doctor stared in horror as he recognised Lord Butterworth - the Meddling Poof ! ( See 'Doctor Who and the Meddling Poof' )  
Commander Butterworth minced across the room - "Search the rest of the moonbase and kill any straights that you find !" He ordered.  
"You heard the commander !" Shouted Gay Guevara. Daley and his depraved minions headed off in to the myriad of corridors that formed the moonbase leaving the Doctor, Gay Guevara, Commander Butterworth and Carr together.  
"Doctor..." Said Commander Butterworth "It is the Doctor isn't it ?"  
The Doctor stood silently.  
"Regenerated I see." Said Butterworth.  
"The old body got a bit worn out." Admitted the Doctor.  
"I don't like it." Said Butterworth "The old one had a certain class, dignity in fact - you look like a hobo."  
"Your opinion has been noted." Said the Doctor "Thank you for your honesty."  
"Isn't fate strange eh ?" Said Butterworth "Guevara, you see this man, this scruffy little specimen - the Doctor - my deadliest enemy, here on the moon and completely in my power." Butterworth's voice was quiet but suddenly he roared "Do you know what he did to me ?"  
"No Your Majestic Homo-ness." Answered Guevara.  
"He turned me in to a microbe ! A microbe !" Butterworth held his finger and thumb up to indicate something microbe sized "That's what you did, Doctor. You sabotaged my dimensional stabiliser, didn't you ?"  
The Doctor nodded.  
On the other side of the the docking airlock door, Jamie crouched, gripping his champagne bottle and listening to every word...  
"It took me twenty years to work out what you'd done and get myself back to normal size. Then I travelled round the world a bit, caused the Korean War, the Vietnam War and then the Falklands - that was me as well, oh, the fun I had. Then I met this chap called Osama - he was a character, him, goodness me. Then I got my TARDIS working again and came up here to the moon - got stuck up here. I had to build my own little home from home and make sure the Russians and the Yanks didn't spot me. Then a few months ago... a few months ago ..." Butterworth's voice trailed off as he put his hand up to his forehead.  
"Did you bump your head ?" Asked the Doctor coaxingly.  
"Yes, that's right." Said Butterworth, struggling to remember "I bumped my head and that's when I decided to create the Army of Gay Liberation."  
"The bump upset your brain," said the Doctor "It affected your sanity. It made you think you were, you know, one of them but you're not."  
"Silence straight scum !" Snarled Guevara.  
"Gayness is the way forward." Said Butterworth - trying to convince himself as much as anyone "We will create a gay Earth, we will kill all straights. A planet of gays that will last for centuries, for ever !"  
"It can't." Said the Doctor "Homosexual men can't reproduce. Your gay Earth will die out within a generation. It can't work."  
"We CAN reproduce and we WILL reproduce. We don't need women nowadays you know, this isn't the 1950s - we can create future generations in the laboratory. My gay Earth will last forever."  
"You mentioned killing 'straights' - normal people - how can you possibly do that ?" Asked the Doctor.  
"The wheels are already in motion are they not, Your Gayness ?"  
"Yes Your Majestic Homo-ness." Answered Guevara.  
"The space cruise ship has a container on board it containing a virus - deadly to straights - it is heading for Earth right now. The ship will burn up on re-entry and the virus will be released in to the stratosphere."  
"But there are people on that ship !" Said the Doctor "Hundreds of people."  
"They are all straights." Said Guevara "Straight lives don't matter - gay lives matter !"  
"My friends, Jamie and Zoe..." Said the Doctor, his voice fading away to nothing.  
"They are straights as well." Said Guevara.

In another part of the moonbase, Sarah, the woman from the control room, frantically tried to arm herself and escape the members of the Army of Gay Liberation who were searching the area. She found a knife in the kitchen area and pressed herself against the wall trying to control her fear. Daley's voice outside in the corridor shouted "Keep searching, kill every straight you find. So die all straights !"  
The door slid open and Sarah plunged the knife in to the chest of the gay terrorist right between the black pvc braces -  
"I'd rather die than live in a world where primary school children are taught that poofs are normal !" She screamed hysterically. Her wish to die was granted immediately by the scorching ray of a laser blaster from another merciless gay terrorist.

"If you abandon this madness, I'll repair your TARDIS." Said the Doctor "I'll give you the freedom of all time and space, I'll do that for you." He waved his hand over his heart "Cross my heart, Commander Butterworth, Timelord's honour... please."  
"I'm glad you reminded me about the TARDIS, Doctor," said Butterworth "I want your TARDIS."  
"You can't have that."  
"You'll be tortured until you hand it over to me. The Army of Gay Liberation will make you suffer in ways you could never imagine. You will beg to hand over your TARDIS."  
"It's on the ship." Said the Doctor "It will be destroyed in the Earth's atmosphere... unless you save the ship."  
"I don't believe you." Said Commander Butterworth.  
"Why would I lie ?" Asked the Doctor "Bring that ship back to the moon, give me your word that you'll give up this mad plan."  
Butterworth looked thoughtful for a moment - "It's a shame, I would have liked that TARDIS but you did mention repairing mine, didn't you."  
"If you destroy that spaceship and kill all the normal people on Earth I will never repair your TARDIS, I'll never do anything for you."  
"You will be tortured until you beg me to allow you to repair my TARDIS."  
The Doctor seemed to have run out of ideas until suddenly - "Just a minute ! The anti straight virus will kill you as well, you understand that don't you ?"  
"No it won't." Said Butterworth "I am His Majestic Homo-ness, Commander Butterworth, leader of the Army of Gay Liberation."  
"Yes, that's all very well," said the Doctor pressing home his argument "But you're not really a homo at all. It's your head injury that just makes you think you are."  
"Is this true ?" Screeched Guevara.  
"Of course not !" Snapped Butterworth.  
Guevara's walkie talkie crackled - "Yes !" He shouted, his voice barely audible except to dogs.  
"We've cleared the area of straights, Daley got killed."  
"What !" Screamed Guevara "No !"  
Jamie seized his chance - he leapt through the airlock doorway, screaming ( of course ) the famous MacCrimmon war cry and threw the champagne bottle with full force in to Guevara's face - the evil leader of the Army of Gay Liberation staggered backwards and collapsed on to the floor, dropping his laser blaster. Jamie grabbed Carr by the braces and snarled "You'd strangle me would ye ? Ye wee kilt lifter !" So saying, Jamie threw Carr bodily through the air, he landed on his head with a sickening sounding crunch that suggested immediate death.  
The Doctor snatched up the laser blaster from the floor and as he straightened up, Commander Butterworth tried to escape but tripped and hit his head on the edge of one of the consoles. He moaned in pain and staggered back to his feet...  
"Where am I ?" He asked.  
The Doctor looked at him as Jamie ran over to the door to the corridor - "I think they're coming back Doctor." He said.  
"What happened to me ?" Asked Butterworth "I remember bumping my head and then ... Oh no ! The Army of Gay Liberation, the space ship, the moon - what have I done." He turned round "Ah ! Who are you ?"  
"I'm the Doctor."  
"Doctor, you'll help me, I've done something awful, I've ..."  
"I know what you've done," said the Doctor "You've made a right mess of things. Now, when I say 'run' - run - you understand ?"  
"Yes Doctor." Said Butterworth.  
"Run !"  
The Doctor, Jamie and Butterworth ran across the room through the docking airlock and in to the shuttle. The Doctor closed the side doors and then ran up to the front with Jamie. They jumped in to the pilot and co-pilot seats.  
"Can you fly this thing, Doctor ?" Asked Jamie.  
"I can give it a try." Said the Doctor modestly pressing some buttons on the control panel until the engines started up. The shuttle rose from the moon's surface. Although the Doctor had closed the shuttle doors, he had not disconnected from the docking mechanism and as the shuttle lifted off, it tore a huge hole in the side of the moonbase. Gay Guevara and the rest of the surviving members of the Army of Gay Liberation died a gruesome death as the vacuum of space sucked their internal organs out through every orifice of their bodies before the disparity between internal and external pressure caused them to explode - a suitable death for the depraved homos who had brought such misery to so many and had hoped to inflict mass murder on an entire planet.  
The shuttle quickly left lunar orbit and the Doctor began calling on the radio- "This is the Doctor calling space cruise ship Valentina - the ship is on course to crash in to the Earth - Zoe Heriot is a computer expert and can reprogramme the auto pilot - oh yes, I've just remembered, the bridge is booby trapped so be careful - yes that's all for now - did you hear me - hello ?"

On board the 'Valentina' Hector, Zoe and Berengaria had managed to release some of the crew and were trying to break in to the bridge - the doors having been sealed shut by Guevara's minions. Engineering tools were used to remove the panelling from the wall and the interior fittings of the door opening mechanism had to be cut through using hacksaws. It was hard and slow work but eventually one of the engineers said - "I think that's it now sir." The doors were eased slowly apart and as they did so, the booby trap was activated - an explosion blasted out from the bridge and along the corridor - Hector, nearest the doors bore the full brunt of it and when the smoke cleared Zoe and Berengaria found his lifeless body. Berengaria became hysterical over the death of her dear brother and Zoe began to sob uncontrollably - she had become close to this handsome and unassuming young man. Then, amazingly, Zoe heard the Doctor's voice calling to her over the radio "Zoe Heriot must reprogramme the auto-pilot to prevent you burning up in the Earth's atmosphere - can anyone hear me."  
"We hear you Doctor," said one of the crew "Zoe Heriot is here."  
Numbed by tragedy, Zoe entered the bridge - she had suffered a terrible loss but now she had to use her brilliant mathematical skills to prevent an even bigger tragedy.  
"This is the auto pilot here, Miss." Said the crew member pointing to the equipment. Another crew member grabbed the first aid box and went back to the corridor to see what he could do for the wounded.  
Zoe typed in a few lines of machine code and the auto pilot switched itself off -  
"The ship is now back to manual control." She said fighting back tears.  
"Well done Zoe." Said a voice from behind her - the voice of Hector ! "That explosion knocked me for six but I'm all right now."  
Zoe hugged him ecstatically.

A short time later, the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe were back together in the recreation area - all the passengers and crew had been released and news had spread of how disaster had been averted. The mood was euphoric. Closely guarded, in a cabin, Butterworth - once Commander Butterworth, once Lord Butterworth and occasionally known as 'The Meddling Poof' - was held pending trial back on Earth for crimes almost without number. He intended to plead temporary insanity caused by homosexuality.  
Sid and Tulisa were amongst the huge crowd celebrating with their ever present bottles of brown ale -  
"Remember you promised to join us for drinks, bonny lad." Said Sid to the Doctor while Tulisa and Berengaria sidled up to Jamie.  
"I love that plastic outfit, Zoe," said Hector "Do you fancy coming to my cabin and we'll buff it up to a nice shine again !"  
Zoe just smiled and she, Jamie and the Doctor managed to slip away back to the TARDIS.  
"Funny lot them really," said Tulisa to Hector "They seem much to shy to be on a 'swingers' cruise like this !"

The TARDIS dematerialised.


End file.
